He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
