You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
