im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
