Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
