I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
