Did I show you my penis last night?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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