she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
