I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My room smells like vodka and shame
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
