He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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