two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
