It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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