He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
