At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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