it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
