does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You were trust falling into bushes
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
