got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
