So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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