Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
