I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Every concussion has its silver lining
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
