i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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