Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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