Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
