I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
