My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
