so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
