ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
