I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i wish my penis had a tongue
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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