Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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