i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just google imaged poop.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
