kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
