I think my vagina is haunted
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
