My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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