i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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