you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
