I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
