I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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