Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
