phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
