i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
