I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
