dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
