Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
