I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
