well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
