theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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