We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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