Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
