I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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