you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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