Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
