Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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